I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
