I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
