i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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