Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
