you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
