I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
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