Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
