i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
two words...techno handjob
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
