I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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