My girlfriend figured out who you are.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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