everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
