So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
