Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
