My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
