why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
