Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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