How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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