You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
