He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
