Can Purell be used as lube?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
