I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
