I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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