can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
