I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you traded sex for a burrito?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
