I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He shit in the fireplace
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
