I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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