Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
