also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
