It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
