we have pet lesbian snakes
It's like God shit irony all over that family
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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