I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize