Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
