his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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