This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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