The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Who died my cat blue again?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
