I don't usually arrange sex via text message
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
