and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
