I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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