Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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