I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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