did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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