haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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