Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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