I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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