Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
and she was petting her beer can
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
