If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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