tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
