It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
