I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
