yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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