If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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