You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
