the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize