I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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