i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
