Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Randomize
