How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
