I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
