Apparently you make a good broom.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
