Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
