alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
